Thursday, March 25, 2010

Buck Rogers in the 25th and a 3D Century

Growing up nerd, there were a few shows that I loved with a passion and still remember fondly to this day; the original Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Space 1999, The Greatest American Hero, V and of course Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (Oh, Erin Gray how I miss your skin tight suits).
Battlestar Galatica and Star Trek: TNG will forever be remembered along with the originals. The upcoming V still needs to prove itself, but it has made one hell of a first impression.  The Greatest American Hero may or may not be turned onto a movie, depending on what you read and where you read it, staring Nathan Fillion who’s pushing for it. Space 1999, if remade, will have to have a new name.  Now, from the man that brought us greats like Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil,  DOA, and AVP comes Buck Rogers in the 25th century.
That’s right; Paul W.S. Anderson has signed on to direct the remake of the classic sci-fi series. Now, I could go off on a rant about how bad Anderson is but then I would be a hypocrite. See, I actually like some of Anderson’s films. While not the greatest film maker by any stretch of the imagination, he has directed a few movies that were enjoyable; Event Horizon, Soldier, Death Race and I’ll even go as far to say the first Resident Evil would have been good, if it wasn’t called Resident Evil. So, it’s pretty much a hit or miss with this guy, and because of that I’m not going to make some assumption that Buck Rogers is going to be bad. People who do that are simply retarded and judgmental. I’ll wait to see the trailer or at least production stills before I start to decide what’s what.
What I do know and what has already been stated is the Anderson will make this movie 3 fucking D, much like what he’s doing with Resident Evil: Afterlife (or Resident Evil: Bastardization). Now, I’m not calling for a boycott, those are just fucking retarded, but I’ve already told myself that I won’t be seeing any more Resident Evil movies in theaters as long as Sony and Anderson hold the titles and keep bastardizing it. Only way to make them stop is to stop seeing the movies. I am willing to give him some benefit of the doubt when it come to Buck Rogers only because I really liked Event Horizon, but what I won’t forgive is 3D. As long as the price is cheaper to see the same movie in 2D, then that’s where you’ll find me.
-TuxedoKats George

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

VIRTUAL BOY: DON'T CALL IT A COME BACK!

This week the big N announced they are bringing out another hand held, because we cant go 6 months without a new one, and this one will be 3D!!!!! If you've read our other blogs you know we hate 3D. This new 3DS, yes that's what its called, is going to be more powerful then the DS and DSi, well its fucking new i hope it's more powerful Nintendo, and will be fully backwards compatible with both of them. This 3D system is also is not going to use glasses. That's all the news they gave, guess we have to wait for E3 for more info. Lets just hope this one is in color.

-TuxedoKats Joe

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Episode 103


This video contains MATURE CONTENT: Language and clips of Violence. Viewer Discretion is Advised.
In this episode we talk Splinter Cell Conviction, Metro 2033, Kane and Lynch the game and movie news, Tron Legacy, and review Repo Men.

Monday, March 22, 2010

MICROSOFT SAID THEY TAKE IT TWO AT A TIME

 Recently in a supposed leaked document from Microsoft, they are going to let gamers plug USB flash drives into their 360's to expand their hard drive space. Supposedly you can only use 16 gig or less drives but you can plug in two at a time, that's what she said, so that's cool. But seriously please Microsoft take a note from Sony with your next console and let us put any hard drive in.
-TuxedoKats Joe

Saturday, March 20, 2010

NOBODY SURVIVES FOREVER


It's still a ways out but I am excited for the new Left 4 Dead 2 DLC "The Passing." In this new piece you run into 3 of the 4 survivors from L4D1. A little later Valve is going to be releasing some DLC for the original L4D where you have to make a choice on who you want to sacrifice from the group because someone has to die. THAT IS FUCKING EPIC INTERCONNECTED STORY TELLING!!! I love you valve. L4D2 was one of my fave games from last year. Even though I lost a little interest of late, it's still so fun to hop in a game and kill waves of zombies. This new DLC will most definitely bring me back.

-TuxedoKatsJoe

Friday, March 19, 2010

LETS PLAY SCC



I play through with commentary the demo for Splinter Cell Conviction. We just filmed episode 3 of our web show and in it we talk about the new Splinter Cell Conviction demo. Here's a Lets Play with commentary.

-TuxedoKatsJoe

Thursday, March 18, 2010

EPISODE 102


This video contains MATURE CONTENT: Language and clips of Violence. Viewer Discretion is Advised.

In this episode we review Green Zone and the games Bad Company 2 and the DLC for Resident Evil 5. Our trailers of the week are Iron Man 2 and Transformers: War for Cybertron. Talk a little about Oscar wrap up and GDC 2010, plus a little rant on facts.

Survival of the Dead review

George A. Romero. His name is synonymous with zombies. You can not say one without thinking of the other. He created zombies as we know them today and for that I respect him and I am grateful to him.

He has given us, whether you like them or hate them (hate), legendary movies (thanks to nostalgia); Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead as well as legendarily bad films like Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead. Now he has a new “masterpiece” Survival of the Dead.

I just want to start by saying that Survival of the Dead might just be Romero’s best film, but that’s not saying a whole lot with his track record. I know that many will argue that point by saying that Night of the Living Dead is his greatest film and I will, of course, disagree and tell them that nostalgia is warping their view, but you can read that in another blog. Night of the Living Dead, while being a stroke of genius, was a terrible film even for a low budget. But, this isn’t a review for that movie so back to Survival.

Story:
Survival of the Dead follows the National Guard’s men that were briefly in the Diary of the Dead movie, which I have to shoot Romero kudos for that little bit of creativity, but they are more of a side story. The main conflict is between to Irish families that live on a small island named Plum Island. The two families are rivals, but had a long truce that broke when the dead started to walk. The O’Flynns felt that the dead should stay dead while the Muldoons felt the dead should be kept around until a cure can be found. The Muldoons won in the end and sent the head of the family, Patrick, away where he found the National Guards men and returned to settle the score. On the surface it’s not a bad story (not great either), but like all of Romero films he tries to place his social commentary into it. Dawn was anti-commerce, Day was anti-military, Land was anti-rich and Diary was just fucking bad. This film speaks out against two things, revenge and war. Mostly war. I would go into details why but I feel that I would have to reveal way too much of the film and I hate reviewers that tell you the whole story. If you watch it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. I would like to point out is that I believe that Romero has grown up a little when it comes to our men in uniform. The National Guard’s men where shown in a positive light and that is a major step away from the way he saw them in Day. But, this story isn't without faults, there are some huge WTF moments, some down right cartoony moments and some plot holes you could drive a SUV though, just watch out for them.

Characters:
For the most part they were not just likeable, but believable, which again is saying a lot. For example, one of the main characters, Col. Crockett, first comes off as a hard ass but you quickly come to understand that there’s a lot more to him then that and you come to respect him. Each character seems to have this about him/her, a hard surface with a gooey center. You know, “character development” something that was really lacking in all of Romero’s other films. Which makes me ask the question, did Romero finally take a class in screenwriting and story telling? If so, then his teacher needs to give him a gold star.

Special Effect:
Better then some worse then others. There where times when the Special FX were top notch, but then at times you simply ask why (these are the cartoony moments). For the most part they're watchable, but I will always have problems when zombies can easily rip apart people from not only the limbs but also the torso. Sorry, bodies just don’t work that way.

Overall:
After the abomination that was Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead, this movie really surprised me and was a real improvement over the last two films. I liked it, hell I even enjoyed it and I would recommend it for rental, easily. A buy? Probably not, but it's defiantly a movie that you should check out if you have the time.

I gave this movie 3 out of 5 stars

-TuxedoKats George

It has come to my attention, through my partner, that I might have given this movie a higher rating then it deserves, and after much thought I have to agree. The reason I gave this movie a 3 out of 5 was due to the fact that I was comparing it to Romero's other diarrhea inducing films. And, while I feel that, compared to those dung droppings, this movie is indeed a 3, I feel that compare to good films this movie should be at a 2, possibly 1 1/2. I still stand by my review, but I'm sure that TuxedoKats Joe would have much more to say about this film..

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

When the Muppets come marching home again, Hurrah! Hurrah!

Once ago, in a time long forgotten, the Muppets were loved and cherished by the young and old alike. Then sadly one day a great tragedy occurred.

The death of their creator Jim Henson. This was a man unlike any other. A man that redefined the puppet into iconic characters, creating breath taking worlds, reinventing special FX creatures for movies an redeveloping the children show so they don't talk down to them. He touched all our hearts in one way or another so much so that even The Smithsonian Institution Traveling Exhibition Service has Jim Henson’s Fantastic World. We love the Muppets so much that their popularity is so expansive that the Muppet characters have been treated as celebrities in their own right.

Jim Henson was not only the creator of the Muppets, but he was their heart and soul, and this proved to be more true then not when Disney tried to continue making movies each with a box office flop.

  • The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) - $27,281,507
  • Muppet Treasure Island (1996) - $34,327,391
  • Muppets from Space (1999) - $22,323,612
  • The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland (1999) - $11,634,458
Try as they may, we all knew the sad truth. The magic was over...

Or was it?

Flashforward 12 years. The people who grew up loving the Muppets, not as money makers but as themeslves have stepped up to the plate to take the Muppets back to their start. The way Jim Henson would want them to be, or so they say.

John Segel, (the naked guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall) has signed on to not only co-write but now star in the upcoming The Greatest Muppet Movie of All Time which will be directed by a pretty much unknown, James Bobin. Nothing is really known about the plot except that Segel plays a man on a quest to find and reunite the Muppets.

Will this be a good Muppet movie at last? I can't say. But, what I will say is that, for the first time since the death of Jim Henson, I have hope.

-TuxedoKatsGeorge

Monday, March 15, 2010

COCAIN'S A HELL OF A DRUG

Crackdown 2 has a date!!!! July 6th. I loved the first Crackdown and cannot wait for this new one. Even though this game is being done by Ruffian Games and not the original team at Realtime Worlds because they are busy with their crime based MMO All Points Bulletin (APB) but I hope this new group of guys will deliver the goods. I mean just check out the trailer they showed at the VGA's and tell me this doesn't look like a blast!

-TuxedoKatJoe

Sunday, March 14, 2010

WTF, DOES HIS DICK DANCE?

Dear god people, stop supporting bad movies! This the second week that Tim fucking Burton topped the box office. Why the hell did so many people go see Alice in Underland? And no that's not a type-o. Seriously it doesn't look good. Nothing about its ads are appealing. Is Johnny Depp that much of a fucking draw? Dear lord please stop seeing this movie. 3-D is not worth seeing bad movies for. It's not worth seeing good movies for either, but it's definably not worth seeing bad ones for!!!

-TuxedoKatsJoe

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Yeah, it's a great movie, but it's still bad.



Remember the good old day? When men where men and the women loved them for it. How about those old movies that you grew up on? You know the ones. The horror films that scared you as a child, or the comedy that just made you laugh till you farted? Yeah, those where the good old days….or where they?

Nostalgia. We’re all a victim of it in some manner. We all love to look back and remember the things we loved fondly as children, but the problem is, things are seldom how we remember them. Growing up,I was an 80’s child, like so many out there, so of course I would remember the 80’s in all it’s low tech, synthesized, B movie glory; too bad the 80’s sucked. I mean think about it, all the main cartoons for us boys, G.I. Joe, Transformers, He-Man, Thundercats, were nothing more then half hour commercials, and it wasn’t any better for girls; Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, Jem. Wait 'till those become movies, oh, they’re coming back through television.

The music of the 80’s wasn’t any better (even though I do have 80’s music on my Zune) they were like awkward teenage years. We had barely survived the 70’s disco and the coolness of the 90’s was still way off, so we experimented and ended up having Boy George and Wham!. The brown acid must have still been in our system.

Then, we had the movies, good Lord the movies. Now, this problem isn’t just with the 80’s, you can easily throw in movies from the 70’s and 60’s in this. Remembering movies fondly isn’t a bad thing, Lord knows I do, the bad thing is when you think that movie is better then what it is. Nostalgia warps your view into thinking things like the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawn of the Dead were better then the remakes or that Taxi Drive was two of the greatest films of all time. I say “two” because that movie changes story halfway though. Yeah, yeah I know, “that’s just the genius of it” well, wrong. That’s just bad storytelling from someone who was doing way too many drugs at the time. Too bad he didn’t overdose then maybe we could have been spared from his other shitty films. Nostalgia makes you think that the Japanese Godzilla is better then the American Godzilla, which it isn’t. It kills me when people say this, "The older ones have a better story." Did you actually watch those films? Every Godzilla story was shit, I know, I watched them all. I’m a huge fan of the O.G. but I understand that ours was superior in all forms. The special FX, the story (while not great by any stretch of the imagination, it was better then any of the Japanese ones), the acting, you name it and it was better. But, people grew up with the old rubber suit and so that’s what they love.

I love old movies. I love bad movies. But, I understand that they are bad, and that’s all I’m asking for. Love your bad movie, remember it affectionately, hold it close and show it to your friends. Bask in its awfulness, but in the end, understand that your bad movie is a bad movie.
-TuxedoKatsGeorge

Friday, March 12, 2010

TWO GUYS ON A COUCH EPISODE 101

This video contains MATURE CONTENT: Language and Violence. Viewer Discretion is Advised.
Two Guys on a Couch Episode 101 In this episode we talk Clash of the Titans, a movie review of The Crazies, a rant on 3d, also we review the games Bioshock 2, Dante's Inferno and Heavy Rain. Heavy Rain spoilers in a rant section as well.

THE KINGS OF POP....ING HEADS



At the Game Developers Conference 2010 Valve co-founder and my favorite game designer Gabe Newell was awarded the Pioneer Award. During his acceptance speech Gabe's teleprompter gave him a blue screen of death that he used to give a Microsoft joke as well as a message to his fans. The blue screen read: GLaDOS A fatal exception E2 has occurred at E4E2:D7C5DSC4 in E4d 5E3(c9) D3C5C5C5. People around the inter-webs have translated that into "Suspend Until EEE" or E3. It's been a rumor that they are going to show off Portal 2 at E3 so that's not much of a shocker. Also my other inspiration, John Carmack, received the life time achievement ward. Congrats, Gabe and John, you guys are gods among men.

-TuxedoKatJoe

Battlefield Bad Company 2 Review


Battlefield Bad Company 2 Review
Developed By: DICE
Available on: Xbox 360, Playstation 3 and PC
Reviewed on the Xbox 360

Who’s Bad?

The Battlefield franchise is one that found its roots in the PC community giving some of the most massive air, land and sea battles in 1942 and expanding into modern day with Battlefield 2, years before Call of Duty Modern Warfare was a thought in Infinity Ward/Activison’s mind. When Microsoft and Sony entered the next-gen war, the Battlefield franchise migrated from PC community to masses of couch killers with Battlefield Bad Company. The first Bad Company was a great leap forward for shooters, giving vast open land and the ability to blow the shit out of everything around you. This isn’t the first to do this though, Black came a few years before with the idea that blowing shit up is fun, and it fucking is. Unlike Black’s more cosmetic damage system, Bad Company used it in a much more of a tactical way. Some son of a bitch dug in that building laying down sniper fire like a mother fucking? Load up that M209 and lob a grenade into that bitch to blow up his cover, and most likely send him flying arms akimbo. The first Bad Company had a great foundation but the lack of solid direction due to its large scale made it a little hard to stay focused on objectives. Also its destructive system, all be it fucking sweet as shit, wasn’t as versatile as it could have been. Fast forward to 2010 and DICE delivered Bad Company 2, a break neck roller coaster ride with the sole objective to dethrone Modern Warfare 2’s current dominance on the modern military shooter market.

The overall story line part Red Dawn, part A-Team, and partly disjointed. The wacky team we came to know and love, for better or worse, from the first BC is back but a little more reigned in. Gone are some of the annoying constant jokes and replaced with a better pace of jokes and serious moments. The melodrama is just that, its standard video game fare, not breaking any boundaries but also being satisfying at the same time. DICE wanted to deliver a Michael Bay type experience not only in its awesome explosion filled gameplay but its simple popcorn friendly story. The downside to this is it doesn’t give you much attachment to the characters in the game. Also the simple plot line doesn’t make for a gripping or engrossing story you get in a game like Uncharted or GTA.

The baseline shooter mechanics in BC2 are nothing less then perfect. The controls are precise and the singe player has a very forgiving lock on when you snap the iron sites to your face, letting you feel a little more like a bad ass if you’re not to good with the analog sticks. What DICE does well is mapping the buttons to the controller in a sensible way, so switching from ground combat to vehicle combat doesn’t feel clunky or tacked together. Gone is the health syringe from the first BC and in is the duck and cover regenerative heath system most games have adopted. This is both good and bad because you don’t to worry about annoying antiquated health pickup but at the same time, cover doesn’t stay intact for long so most of the time taking cover doesn’t seem to matter. Also the indicators that show you’re getting hit seem to be delayed. There’s a red overlay that creeps in from the edge of the screen, but I found sometimes it doesn’t show up or it has a delay, showing up after I got my ass to cover.

The maps in the 6-8 or so hour campaign are much more linear then its predecessor, funneling you down a path, but at the same time giving you a little room to experiment in your fire fight. Just like other pseudo open world games like Crysis, this more straight forward approach is nice, making the game feel a little more structured but at the same time there are too many moments where the game design felt rushed and unpolished for a linear experience. One moment leading up the games climax has you chasing after a plane through an underground tunnel. This could have been hectic, after all your squad does holler at you to hurry, making you feel like you need to get there before it leaves the runway. Instead of giving you shit to shoot while a timer ticks down, the game gives you a straight shot through empty concrete tubes with nothing to shoot at. This scene could have been done better as a few second cinematic rather then the minute or so section where you control the character. If the section had some obstacles or enemy NPC’s to take down, the section would have been a much more satisfying penultimate moment.

The enemy and team AI is done well, for the most part, but your team seems a little useless most of the time. They move through the levels, return fire, and never get bogged down or stuck, but at the same time they hardly ever kill anyone. I guess DICE wanted the player to feel like the ultimate John Rambo bad ass by letting you kill every guy between you and your goal, but if that’s the case why give me a fucking team at all. Also, if the game has a squad like this one does, why in fucks sake is it not co-op? There is no reason why the other people in your group can’t be controlled by another human player, and the many amazing looking co-op games like Gears of War and Resident Evil shows that it’s not a hardware issue. There is a mission where you do a solo mission in a frozen wasteland and have to duck into building to warm yourself up before you freeze to death, but they could have built it in a way to have your co-op team doing something else. Seriously, co-op people, and damn it devs don’t skimp on the split screen mode. People like sitting next to people, gaming is a social activity after all.

The world is a gorgeous landscape full of the most destruction you’ll see short of Red Faction Gorilla. Every building can be blown to bits and most can be leveled all together. The level design jumps between land and vehicle combat a lot so you move from place to place, seeing something new around every corner. There is a trade off sadly where the textures seem a little lower resolution then they are in other shooters, and the model work is a little lacking in the poly count department. When you weigh the pros of being able to level entire buildings versus the con of lower graphic fidelity, I’ll take airstrikes for 1,000 Alex. The lower resolution wasn’t a major issue, you wont need a paper bag to take this one home, but it does show the frostbite engine has a slight bit of a but-her-face.

On the other hand the sound is some of the best I’ve heard in any form of entertainment. The bullet impacts, the wizz of rockets and the deafening explosions are more engrossing then a few more polygons on a broke down Buick could ever be. When a rocket is a near miss, your sound cuts out and rings in your ear giving you a sensation of tread mark inspired glee. Every gun not only sounds unique but sounds like it’ll fuck shit up to boot.

Overall this was a satisfying shooter with great core mechanics and a fun ride. It doesn’t re-write fps games as we know it but it does what it does, and it does it well. It’s a little on the short side, as most shooter are, not so short you feel it’s over before it started. It’s brisk pace and constant switching of play styles help to keep this fresh. Outside of the single player is a bulky multiplayer suit that also gives players plenty to come back to. It gives you standard online modes that most games give you and something other games don’t do by adding in lots of vehicles to play with. Add in a level up system, unlock system, 24 player battles, and the full destruction system, online is a fucking sweet experience to go along with the satisfying single player excursion. This is a must buy for shooter fans and those who are over the MW2 hype.

Story: 6 -- Gameplay: 8.5 -- Graphics: 8
Sound: 9.5 -- Replay: 9 -- Fun factor: 9

Overall (not an average): 8.5 out of 10

-TuxedoKatsJoe

Bioshock 2 Review


Bioshock 2
Developed by: 2K
Available on: Xbox 360, Playstation 3 and PC
Reviewed on Playstation 3

I like it when you call me Big Daddy!

When Irrational Games first introduced gamers to the world of Rapture in 2007 we were all taken back by the amazing 1950’s art deco world under the sea. Rapture was so full of character from its visuals to sound to atmosphere, but I felt what kept it from being amazing was its slightly sloppy gameplay and clunky mechanics. When 2K said they were going to take us back to Rapture using a new development house, everyone’s first response was... why? We saw Rapture, we experience the world, and we didn’t need to go back. Well we were wrong, sort of. Everything that was bad about the first seems to be addressed here and 2K turned an average shooter with amazing atmosphere into a good shooter with good atmosphere.

This time you step into the diving boots of a Big Daddy and hunt down a bitch of a woman who stole your Little Sister and made you shoot yourself in the head. It sounds odd, but in the context of the game it makes sense. The ability to play as a Big Daddy seemed questionable at first but once you get your hands on this hulk of a man, its bad ass, until you start to encounter enemies. The first thing I noticed is you don’t feel like a bad as mother fucker like you think you should. Your character seems a little weak compared to the normal humans in the world and real weak compared to the bigger foes you face. Sometimes you will die in a matter of seconds if you’re not careful and step out into fire. This makes playing as a Big Daddy a little pointless. You get the same experience you got when you were just a normal man, with the exception of the big ass fucking drill on your arm.

Other then how weak you feel the additions to the game make up for it. Gone is the pipe dream mini game and in is a color timing events that gets quite hard in the latter parts. Also each hack has a blue section that if you land in it you will get a bonus depending on what you’re hacking. This adds for a nice reward system and makes you feel like you’re being reward for your actions. Outside of the hacking system change they also gave you the ability to use your plasmid powers and guns at the same time. The addition of this makes for faster paced battles and also lets the game add more enemies to an area without it to feeling overwhelming. The little changes refine the game instead of reinvent it, making for a very rewarding experience.

The game itself looks just like the first one. This is not a bad thing, you are going to the same place after all and there is no reason why it should look different, but at the same time you have that deja vu sensation when you play it. The art deco environments set it apart from any other game and the authentic music that fills the world make you feel like you’re in a surreal new world, a nice change from most modern set games. There’s tons of detail put into the architecture and character design, and because you’re a Big Daddy the new underwater sections mix things up but also tend to be uneventful. The PS3 version of the game isn’t as nice looking as the other two, the textures are a little lower res and there is a strange depth of field effect that blurs out distant objects, but it doesn’t look convincing it just looks bad. Outside of some bland textures and noticeably bad looking water the versions are comparable to each other.

New to game is a multiplayer package. It’s your standard fare and nothing to draw you away from other shooter, and most likely will be forgotten in a few months. Bioshock is a game that no one felt needed multiplayer, so the inclusion is a little strange.

Bioshock 2 is a game that if you loved the first one you will love this one. Myself I didn’t like the first game all that much and some of the more boring parts that hurt that one hurt this one too. The second is faster paced and filled with a little more action, and I felt the story was a little more interesting this time around, but overall I came away feeling it was just okay. If you care more about the atmosphere it’s worth a buy, but if you want a bad ass shooter with a multiplayer that has staying power I stay stick to a rent or wait for it to drop in price ‘cause this just aint it.

Story: 8 -- Gameplay: 7.5 -- Graphics: 8
Sound: 8 -- Replay: 7 -- Fun factor: 7

Overall (not an average): 7.5 out of 10

-TuxedoKatsJoe

Heavy Rain Review


Heavy Rain Review
Developed By: Quantic Dream
Available on: Playstation 3
Reviewed on the Playstation 3

This game made me cry.... But that’s not a good thing

Sony’s first big blockbuster of the year, wetting the taste of gamers everywhere, is Quantic Dream’s story first, who cares about gameplay approach of Heavy Rain. Set in a, I think modern day but hard to tell because of the oddly placed futuristic Minority Report rip off detective side element, Heavy Rain asks the question can video games make people cry? I don’t get emotional over movies or books, so to me that question is kind of dumb, but it’s even more so here. The ham handed dialog and average to downright bad voice acting didn’t help to draw me into the world QD was trying to craft. Coming off of their critical and commercial flop Indigo Prophecy, QD tried to re-write everything we as gamers know about playing a game, in an attempt to tell a story that not only is cliché and tired but full of plot holes to boot.

I would like to point out that even though I’m referring to Heavy Rain as a game, it is not a game. They call it a game, you need a PS3 to “play” it but this is not a game in the traditional sense. This is a movie, a 6 hour long, boring and poorly told movie. Every so often you get to press a button when it prompts you to on the screen, and you can guide a conversion sort of how you choose, like you can in games like Mass Effect, but unlike Bioware’s amazing sci-fi tale, this one has almost no gameplay. The little that is here is hindered by a bad locked camera reminiscent of the old school Resident Evil games, some of the worst controls ever, and game ending bugs.

The biggest problem by far is the controls. To walk you have to hold R2, sort of like a gas pedal, then you use the left stick to steer your character. This in itself is a little awkward, but place on top of that a camera that tends to change angles when you really don’t want it to and you have yourself a game that sends you walking in circles when all you want to do is face the fucking door. The omission of a 3rd person over the shoulder camera is mind boggling. I guess they wanted a “cinematic feel” like the Resident Evil games have, but the camera placement isn’t interesting or well planed out. On top of the bad movement controls and camera, is the implementation of six-axis shake. Dear God stop putting six-axis in games, it’s fucking dumb, STOP IT! I love that in Uncharted 2, Naughty Dog took out the six-axis balance mechanic because it didn’t work and Sony only put it into their controller to try to adopt a MiiToo attitude toward the big N. Every time I got into an “intense” hit the correct button battle, and the six-axis logos showed up on the screen I felt so dumb shaking my controller around and couldn’t wait for another boring conversion to stop the waggle-fest.

Not only is the shake it control scheme retardedly gay, the hold multiple buttons for seeming simple actions is equally more so en-gay-ging. Just to walk up a hill you have to hold one button until it prompts the next, then continuing holding the first and the second, then maybe a third, then you can let go of the first when a forth comes up and now hold that one, FUCK I JUST WANT TO WALK UP THE DAMN HILL!!!! I don’t think the developers have every played a game and felt games are less about fun and more about telling a poorly written, poorly acted story.

The voice actors in Heavy Rain bring a huge amount to the blandness of it all. The major problem is they are not American actors, but they are playing American characters. This wouldn’t be a problem if they just cast talented actors capable of covering their native accent like Hugh Laurie of House fame, but when you have actors that can’t block out their natural accent it comes off as laughably bad. I had to chuckle every time someone said origami killer, drawing a long a sound. I can’t just blame the actors for this, even though they were real bad, the badly written dialog didn’t help much either. Place on top of that a plot hole that tries to throw you off the path of the killer but using a cheap “what you didn’t see” cinematic at the end of the game to try to cover up a big hole in its story just makes for bad writing.

The major culprit is the bugs that fill this game. There was a game ending bug that hit me right at the end. My character got stuck in a hole that was about 2 inches deep and I had to replay the chapter because he just wouldn’t step out of it. Other things like glitchy characters teleporting around makes for a game that feels unpolished and rushed to get out on the shelves so Sony has something to fill the void left by the amazing game of the year title Uncharted 2 from last year and until God of War 3 hits March 16th. Not only is the game full of visual bugs, it is plagued by sound issues too. Sometimes sounds cut out and other times sounds didn’t trigger all together.

Heavy Rain is being praised as original by many outlets, but from day one I was not impressed. The lack of gameplay is lazy and the stuff that’s there is just QTE that have been part of games dating back to Dragon’s Lair in the arcade in the 80’s. The story is boring, littered with plot holes, and the killers reason for doing what he’s doing is really fucking stupid. All of the characters that inhabit the world make questionable and unrealistic choices and did not draw me in at all. The visuals are nothing special, bland average looking environments that for the most part are only the size of a big room with some limited outside sections. The fact the game was patched day 1 was a bad sign. I would hate to play the game without the patch after seeing the glitches that were present after it was “fixed.” I recommend stay away from this one, or at most rent it like I did so you don’t feel like you wasted 60 bucks on a 6 hour long bore fest.

Story: 4 -- Gameplay: 2 -- Graphics: 8
Sound: 6 -- Replay: 3 -- Fun factor: o

Overall (not an average): 2 out of 10


-TuxedoKatsJoe

3-D or not 3-D?


Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of 3-D movies. But, first let me make it clear that it's not the movies themselves that I don't like; it's the push by the industry and the confusion by the public between special FX and story that annoys me. Let's take “Avatar” for example. In and of itself it’s an okay movie, nothing new, nothing really special, substandard story telling with cardboard acting and left wing agendas, IF you saw it in 2D. If you saw it in 3D then, look out! It’s better then “Titanic” (which isn’t saying much) and the world of Pandora (unique name by the way) is so real that retards…sorry, people were thinking of killing themselves. All because of 3D? Really? This is the confusion between special FX and story. Here’s a hint if you can’t tell the difference, if you say “you have to see it in 3D to get the full experience” then you’re confused, because no whether it’s 2D or 3D the story is still the same. Now, with “Alice in Wonderland” beating “Avatar”, which is really “Avatar’s” doing because the effect of its 3D was still fresh in people mind and so the thought “Alice” would be just like it, and with the blunt success of both films, studios are pushing this old fad hard. Here’s a list of upcoming 3D movies this year.

"Hubble": March 19
"How to Train Your Dragon": March 26
"Clash of the Titans": April 2
"Shrek Forever After": May 21
"Toy Story 3": June 18
"Despicable Me": July 9
"Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore": July 30
"Step Up": Aug. 6
"Piranha": Aug. 27
"Resident Evil: Afterlife": Sept. 10
"Legend of the Guardians": Sept. 24
"Alpha and Omega": Oct. 1
"Saw VII": Oct. 22
"Tangled": Nov. 12
"Megamind": Nov. 5
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows": Nov. 19
"Tron Legacy": Dec. 17

Notice anything? How about the fact that twelve of those films are for kids/families with eight being CG? Or that three of them are horror? Only two films can be counted out of that, “Hubble” which is made for Imax and “Clash of the Titans” which they turned 3D after they saw “Avatar” make it’s shit load of money. Now, the studios aren’t stupid. They know that pg and pg-13 films make more money and all of these films will bring in that said money, but does the 3D really make it bring in more money? Considering that one 3D ticket price is four to six dollars more then a 2D movie? No doubt about it. As far as horror goes, horror’s been using 3D since it first was created, (first 3D feature with stereophonic sound “House of Wax” 1953) so, no real surprise there. So, how do we stop them? 3D as it stands today is not the next step in film making, it is a gimmick and like all gimmicks it will run its due course and die, as it did in the 50’s and as it did in the 80’s. At that time we can put it right up on the shelf next to bats on a string and bullet time. That is, until the next generation when someone takes it down, blows the dust off and say “Hey, let’s try this again”.

-TuxedoKatsGeorge

Thursday, March 11, 2010

GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN!


My most anticipated game this year, out side of Alan Wake, is Splinter Cell Conviction. SCC drops April 16th, I hope it doesn't get another delay, and comes with a whole new take on that bad ass we all know and love Sam Mother Fuckin' Fisher. Outside of this new rebel without a boss story line, the new faster game-play switches up the game, after all it is in its 5th iteration now. Out is that tried and true, oops I've been spotted reset the mission, and instead it gives you options like the "last known position" to escape and hide for a bit so you can try a new bit of strategery. Outside of this sweet looking single player campaign comes some new multiplayer modes as well.

They added a whole new campaign for Co-op. You don't play as Sam, you play as Archer and Kestrel, two guys who work for two different government bad assery teams in a prequel story to the main single player mode. This mode is both online and split screen, thank god, and looks to be a real blast.

Gone is the spies vs mercs mode, sad but come on guys how many matches did you get into where the people left the room after they were done being spies so you didn't get to play; fucking gay. They replaced that with a 1v1 mode called FACE-OFF that adds npc players that are trying to kill both of you while you are trying to kill each other. Sounds bad ass.

Another new mode is HUNTER, where you solo or with a friend get a map full of 10 bad guys that you each have to take down without a sound. If either of you fuck up they will set off an alarm and in comes 10 more. That to me sounds like it has potential to be real fun.

LAST STAND it SCC take on the horde mode from Gears where you solo or with a friend have to protect an EMP from waves of guys. Not only do you have health but the EMP does as well. Each round the EMP will gain some back but the inevitable BOOM will occur.

INFILTRATION is the last mode, sort of like a more hardcore HUNTER mode. I don't know much more about that.

SCC looks to be the real sequel after one of my fave games of all time, Chaos Theory, fuck Double Agent,
I just hope Ubi can deliver on time.

-TuxedoKatsJoe

SONY DOES WHAT NINTEN....DOES


Sony showed off their new Wii-mote rip off device, the Playstation Move, at this weeks GDC. Last year they unveiled it at E3, showing off a more precise yet equally gay way to control games like Nintendo's Wii does. Previously you had to hold the DuelShock 3 in one hand and the rod like stick in the other, but Sony reviled a second control device that has an analog stick and buttons. The newly named "Move" not only is a retarded name for a controller but the design immediately congers up images of otaku's using it as a sex toy. They showed off a fighting game where you hold two PS dildos in each hand and slap box with a camera situated on your tv, waving your hands in the air, "like you just don’t care" in an attempt to simulate a real fight. I'm sorry but nothing you can do with two plastic penis's will simulate getting you junk kicked in, in some back alley after throwing back a few two many jager bombs and squeezing the tits of someones girl on the dance floor. Not only is this a slap in the face of hard core gamers who just want to play good games, its a slap in the face to people everywhere when Sony thinks you want to shell out 100 bucks... sorry under 100 bucks... cough cough... 99.99 cough, for a more precise yet equally stupid Wii clone. Sony Playstation 3, it only does everything, including ripping off its competitors.

Not only did Sony rip off the design, here's a little trailer from of ign.com that shows they rip off the big N's marketing as well.